Transparency and why I am so happy all the time.....

So, I told myself this year, I was going to attempt to me more transparent with my feelings, etc with people. I am a pretty reserved guy for the most part, I think this might help. Plus, it has a bit of awesomeness in it.

So, here you go for a new post:

My sophomore year of college, I think I hit rock bottom. Depression runs pretty deep in my family, and I am not immune. It was a real rough year for me.

I can thank a single person for person for allowing me to come out of that year alive. No kidding. He knows who he is and I really appreciate his friendship at that point in my life.

So, I did a bunch of writing, etc, and out of it came this awesome poem. I have been wanting to share it with everyone, but I felt pretty ashamed about the topic. But here it is:


--------------------------
Shell

You may think it is rage or hate
but it is passion that drives the gun
a passion burning so deep it ignites
and sends its messenger on the run

A gun is just another tool
simple yet ingenious in design
A barrel, hammer, pin and trigger
with a bullet do the motives align

In my hand I hold an empty shell
never loaded or is it already spent
I cannot tell by the case
I don’t know the extent of its torment

I sit here staring at it
its shiny metal skin
I don’t know if I should laugh or cry
if I should run away or grin

I stand here waiting
trying to figure out its meaning
either way my life is spent
my soul is always weaning

Is my soul dead
or am I in a rude awake
is it an inevitable fate
or something that I can try to shake

The shell is like my life
either never begun or already gone
both are useless to me now
the message hit dead on.

And now I have two empty shells
resting in my open palm
my mind becomes opened and clear
and I am lost in the present calm

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So, after that horrible year, capped off by a pretty significant moment in my life, I decided that I was sick of living like that. So I decided that I was going to be happy. And I have found that attitude can get a person pretty far in life. So, that is why I am always smiling and saying hi to people. Because such a simple thing can change a person's life. (plus it doesn't hurt finding a few good friends who rock your world).

And I am not here to say that attitude can get you through anything, and that it has made my life perfect. My life still sucks at times, but I find it easier to get through. No more pity parties for me.

So, thanks friend. I really do love you much and have much to thank you for. The last 5 years have been awesome.

So, how is that for transparency?

And disclaimer: if you are thinking about hurting yourself, etc, please please talk to someone about it. People will listen.